She cried tonight. Not one of those big heart wrenching waling cries, but just a long steady stream of tears and sobs. We, so far, have had our cries at different times. My last one was two days ago in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I don’t even know what triggered it but I got out of the car and the weight of the last three months just hit me. It slammed me like a tsunami wave, fast and out of nowhere. So I’m just out there by myself, leaning against the car crying. I had no control over the whole ordeal whatsoever. Tonight was Betty’s turn. She had an under the skin “port” surgically implanted last week to help administer the chemotherapy. That way, we don’t have to have an IV stick two and three times a week. This week, the port became infected, and depending on whether or not they can stop the infection, we may lose it. She took antibiotics for the problem and they have caused a really bad rash to break out on her neck and shoulders. One thing seems to stack upon another and another and sometimes it overwhelms all at once. That happened this evening. I have spent a wonderful lifetime loving and holding this woman. She is my sanity, my best friend, my dreams and the love of my life, all in one package. Tonight, I instantly went to her to hold her and brush away the tears. I so wanted to pull her close to me and hold her tight. To put my arms around her and lay my head on her shoulder. But, her chest is in pain from the double mastectomy, her left arm still hurts from the removal of lymph nodes. Her right side is swollen from the infected port and her hands still ache from all the needles that have stuck her. I knelt beside her chair and ever so gently held her head next to mine. I carefully folded my right hand around hers and gently squeezed and that was all I could do without hurting her. I don’t know how long we were there. Just until the tears ceased. Just until a calm returned to us both. We had talked earlier today about things that we wanted to do in life and places we wanted to go. We discussed far away places, exotic islands, and other countries. When we got through dreaming, we both decided, as we have hundreds of times over the years, that the only place we really wanted to be was with each other. That’s what makes anywhere good, the fact that we are side by side in it. Since Betty is here, in this place of hurt, in this land of sickness, then there is no where else I want to be than right here in it with her. Many times in the last few months, she has apologized for me having to go through this with her. She’s sorry for ME! Hey baby, it’s my privilege just to walk beside you on this journey. There really is no other place I would rather be, or will be. You will cry again, and I will be here for you. You will hurt again, and I will be here for you. It’ not my job. It’s my joy. That’s what you do for the love of your life. That crazy little verse that says, “The two shall become as one,” is not a commandment, it’s a prophecy. A wonderful, mysterious truth from the very heart of God. There really is no me, apart from you. I am blessed with you, and you are stuck with me!
Thank you for checking on us again. Thank you for your prayers. Please pray that we can keep this port for the treatment. If you would pray that specifically for her today, I would ever so appreciate it. We love you all.